You say potato, I say potahto. You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole thing off! When it comes to home organizing standards it’s common to find families in which members have differing styles or preferences. One person might be a minimalist while others in the household are collectors. But differences in how we maintain our household may also be the result of habits or behaviors formed in childhood.
Minimalist or collector?
- The minimalist likes surfaces to be clean and free of extraneous objects, while the collector is comforted by seeing and having their possessions nearby and in view.
- The minimalist will go through their closets and other areas regularly, and easily get rid of things that are not being used, while the collector probably associates a memory of a person or event with each item, and feels it would somehow be disrespectful to get rid of it.
- The minimalist likes the bed made, clothes hung up, toys put away, rooms clean, and no paper piles stacked around the house. The collector doesn’t always notice the clutter, they may feel that time spent tidying up could be better spent doing something else, and feel they know exactly which pile of papers contains the information they need.
How did I get this way?
Habits and behaviors also influence organizing differences. When working with opposites it helps to know what it was like in their homes growing up.
- Did they live in a cluttered house?
- Was being organized valued in their home?
- Were they ever held responsible for cleaning up after themselves or did someone do it for them?
- Were they taught how to get and stay organized?
- Did they develop habits to support that?
Feelings may be hurt
Often, when preferences, habits, and reality collide, the parties involved feel misunderstood and undervalued. For people who are not bothered by disorganization it may seem that their organized partner is placing unreasonable expectations on them. They may feel bad for not living up to them or they may resent someone trying to change them.
The person who likes everything in its place may feel that their partner doesn’t appreciate their needs or is consciously trying to annoy. This can lead to power struggles, hurt feelings, arguments, resentment and withdrawal. By following a few simple strategies, you can minimize disagreements and bring peace to your home.
How to make it better
Don’t take it personally. By looking beyond the surface, and understanding why your opposite acts the way they do, you can gain perspective and look at your differences objectively.
- Communicate. Tell your family how you feel using “I” statements. For example, “When the house is cluttered, I feel l overwhelmed and claustrophobic.” Or “When all my things are tucked away out of sight I get nervous that I won’t be able to find what I need.” By simply explaining how you feel you’re letting them know you’re not blaming them.
- Learn to compromise. It won’t necessarily be easy, but once you have a better understanding of the reasons your opposite acts and feels the way they do you can begin to compromise. Try designating a room or area of the house where the collector or clutterer can feel free to be messy without feeling guilty. Make that room off limits when it comes to organizing discussions.
- Confine paper clutter one area. Even though it may not be organized, it will be much easier to find what you need if there’s only one place to look.
- Divide and conquer. Assign housekeeping tasks among family members so that one person isn’t responsible for all the chores. Children will gain valuable life skills they can take with them as adults. With everyone pitching in the overall job will become more manageable.
- If your budget allows hire someone to help. This will relieve some of the stress on the person who is sensitive to lack of order, and make them feel more and calm and supported.
Change takes time so don’t get discouraged. Keep your goals in mind and be patient. Recognize your successes and don’t let any setbacks ruin your resolve. Always remember that communication and compromise will ease the way.
